The text from a dear friend read, “Welcome to the parents with adult children club!”
My first-born turned 18 on Valentine’s Day, and although I knew this day would come, it felt a little strange reading those words. She is officially an adult! We made it! I didn’t end up in jail or the hospital, even though some of my thoughts along the way could have easily landed me there… and wow! Look at her. She is amazing – not perfect, of course, but I can look at her and say, “Yep, I’m really proud of who you are and have grown into.”
… which led me to my next thought: How exactly did this happen? Did I do this? How much of this creation, this brand-new adult, is because of me and how much of it is because of God and this-is-just-the-way-He-made-her, and she just makes me look good being her Mother?
And, so I pondered and mulled it over and over, reflecting back over her childhood and remembering the highlights of so many lessons learned along the way. I’d like to share with you my top THREE parenting treasures I’ve received from being Callie’s Mom.
#1 : My Parenting Life-Verse
It didn’t take long for us to realize that we had produced a “not-normal” child. She said her first words and sentences super early, and knew all of her letters and the sounds they made by 1 year of age. Due to her photographic memory, she had learned to read as a toddler. But, as smart as she was, this kid was FULL OF FIRE, and the most strong-willed, difficult child I had ever had to be around in my life. (Think Enneagram 8 on steroids and you have little kid Callie). Why is it that the smart ones are often the most challenging?! Being first-time parents to a “normal” child is hard enough, and as much as I truly loved her, it was beyond exhausting parenting this child. I found myself regularly crying, ”Why, God? Whyyyyyy? I can’t do this. This isn’t what I signed up for. How will I make it through 18 long years of this?”
I remember the exact moment when, through tears, I angrily cried out to the Lord, “HELP! You created this child, and You’re the one that gave her to me. You absolutely HAVE to give me something to hold on to, or I’ll never make it to the finish line.” And I felt His peace wash over me and heard His gentle voice so clearly say to me:
“Leah, this is your parenting verse. Hang onto it closely. Always come back to it. Never forget it. It holds the keys for you:
“Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” ~ Galatians 6:9, NIV”
How many times through the years have I come back to this verse, over and over again – if we do not give up, IF we do not give up. Day in and day out, whether your kid is treating you well or not, don’t get so tired that you stop doing good, don’t forget that at the proper time (later on down the road from now) you are going to reap a harvest – just as long as you don’t give up. You may get tired, you may feel beat up, you may need to catch your breath, but you get back in there and keep at it because your harvest is coming.
The Passion Translation says it like this: “And don’t allow yourselves to be weary or disheartened in planting good seeds, for the season of reaping the wonderful harvest you’ve planted is coming!”
Did I ever question whether the promise in this verse would actually work out, when circumstances were screaming otherwise? Yep. Did I ever think “Gosh, I’m not sure how this kid is going to turn out!” Oh yes, I did – many, many times! But, let me tell you, at the end of the 18 years of my daughter’s childhood, I can shout out loud that this verse is absolutely TRUE! You can put all your chips in on this verse. It worked! And, it is still working… There will be moments where the fulfillment of this verse seems impossible, or at least impossibly far out-of-reach, but if you pull this verse out even in your frustration, even in your pain, no matter what the circumstances are telling you in the moment – you’ll have a weapon to fight with, something to hold onto, the glimmer of Living Hope when your faith is weak.
It felt slow-going for several years, but eventually I started seeing some signs of harvest here and there as she got older. It was so exciting to see the first signs of fruit blossoming, and I remember a word of encouragement the Lord spoke to me as I was dead-heading my flower boxes in the Springtime. He said to me, “Leah, celebrate and enjoy these flowers you are seeing in her life, but don’t forget to diligently tend the garden – come through on a regular basis and get rid of the dead-heads so that there’s room for even more flowers to grow and flourish!” I’ve always remembered that, and have come back to the Parenting Life-Verse’s message: keep at it and don’t give up when things are hard, but ALSO keep at it and don’t give up (or become lazy) when things are good and easy! That is the key! The Parenting Life-Verse applies in every season and this truth is not based on the performance of your child. This powerful verse is the most important, valuable parenting advice I have ever been given!
#2 : Keep Your Love ON
Establishing and maintaining a heart-to-heart connection with our child at all times, especially in the hormonal, pre-teen years, seemed to take up the bulk of our parenting energy. Man, is that ever HARD WORK. We’ve found that everything is connected to, and flows out of, relationship. I would confidently say that THIS aspect of parenting is where we put the most attention and energy into.
Admittedly, my husband is naturally better at this than me. He has helped me to learn how to pause, take a slow breath in the heat of the moment, and be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19). When sass and disrespect came at me, it was so hard to not throw it right back. I failed so many times, but developed skill in this over time through perseverance, patience, and encouragement to keep at it. When my heart wanted to walk away, to put distance between me and the pain, to build up a wall of protection, to throw in the towel of defeat, my husband would say “when you want to push away, that’s when you need to pull them in the most.” When they’re acting their ugliest is when they need to see your love for them the most.
The saying “Hurt people usually hurt people” is easy to see on display when it comes to kids, and taking out their pain or frustration on your family is usually the normal, standard procedure. But, it is “His kindness that leads us to repentance.” (Romans 2:4). Love is so powerful. As The Passion Translation says, “Respond gently when you are confronted and you’ll defuse the rage of another. Responding with sharp, cutting words will only make it worse.” (Prov. 15:1). It is easy to love our kids when they are being nice to us, but the real test of love is when they are treating us poorly, and we still reach out with love, kindness and compassion. Easier said than done, but possible through God’s grace. When I saw my kids try to pull away from me, instead of pulling away myself, too, I realized that THAT was the time when I needed to pursue them in relationship all the more. They now know deep down in their being that their parents will always pursue them and their heart-to-heart connection in relationship with them.
I can’t stress enough how important it is to be a trustworthy, safe place for your child’s heart: a place where they know they will not be mocked, embarrassed, or criticized. You are building a safe zone where they know they will be secure in your love, championed, and protected.
Please know that I’m not advocating you let your child walk all over you, or let them treat you like dirt and “get away with it.” But, working on building a healthy relationship that includes healthy communication, with expectations and boundaries in place, is the hard work that has great rewards – for them and for you! Two great books that helped us learn these important skills are both by Danny Silk: “Loving Our Kids on Purpose,” and “Keep Your Love On.” I highly recommend reading both of them!
#3 : Trust His Timing
In a season of frustration, I remember saying to the Lord, “When are you going to change her? She is a teenager and will leave my house in a few years, and I really want to see “xyz” happen in her before she leaves. I’ve worked hard, and I kinda feel like I deserve to see this happen! You are running out of time, God! Please hurry it up!” His very patient, gracious response to me was this:
“Leah, remember your 20s? Remember all of the things I did in your life then? Remember all of the new things I showed you, the ways I softened your heart and taught you and grew you? That was good…. (I paused & considered this)…. Remember your 30s? Remember the things I challenged you with? The areas of your heart I purified? The uncomfortable lessons you learned and the new revelations you came to know and understand? That was good…. (I paused & considered this). You see, there are appointed times for Callie’s life, too. There are seasons in her life that are marked and waiting for the perfect time to learn and grow in some of very lessons you are asking me to teach her. Now she could learn some of these lessons now, sure, but they won’t take root and have the long-lasting, deep impact like they would if she were to have them taught by ME in the APPOINTED SEASON I’ve already planned for her. So, trust my timing for her life. Your job is not to produce a perfect child at the end of this parenting journey. I never asked you to give me a finished product when she turns into an adult. Your job is to diligently tend the garden in the season I’ve entrusted you with. It is not your job to produce the fruit – it’s mine. Enjoy the fruit you see, but know that there is so much more fruit that’ll continue to spring up over her lifetime – and I AM faithful to complete ALL that I have started in her!”
This conversation with the Lord gave me such freedom and peace. I have rehearsed His words to me in moments of discouragement; I have rehearsed these words in moments of bursting pride looking at how amazing she is. He is so faithful, and worthy of all of my trust. This parenting season is an honor and a gift (extremely hard at times, of course), but a profound partnership with the Master Gardener.
What, now?
As we sat down with her at her favorite restaurant on her Birthday, celebrating this big milestone, we took some time to remember her childhood journey: the funny times, the hard times, the great times, the phases she went through, her stories and memories – we thanked her for being our guinea pig child, teaching us all kinds of lessons. But, the greatest joy for me that night was when I said to her, “Thank you for trusting us with your heart. You’ve chosen relationship with us, over and over, and we don’t take that for granted. Your heart is precious to us, and you have shared it with us… But, I also want to thank you for being trustworthy with our hearts. We have given you ours, and you haven’t broken them. You could have. You could have made different choices plenty of times, but you valued our hearts and our relationship.” And then we toasted the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one! No matter what the future holds, we all know that our connection is solid, trustworthy, and that is one of the best Harvest gifts a Mother can have.
So, now we enter the stage of being parents to adult children: a brand new season that will be full of new challenges, new grace, and new revelations. There is such sweet fulfillment in knowing that we are entering this season building onto a firm foundation that has been laid. The beautiful Harvest that was promised is here, and will keep producing fruit for generations to come! He is faithful to His Word.
A final note: my daughter read and gave me permission before I posted this, in keeping with our commitment to honor each other at all times.